Too Much Booty in the Pants?



The best parts of a woman can’t be captured by camera no matter how sophisticated the lens. She is more than a decorated image with sex appeal.

There’s a certain class and poise in the subtlety of a woman that captures the essence of her beauty without her ever having to exploit herself to gain attention.

At one time, this was called having “class.” It was a time when women were celebrated for their true worth and not just sex appeal. It was a time when a man would fight to protect a woman’s honor. Times have changed.

Sometimes, the past is worth repeating.

-Derek Q. Sanders


The message to young girls and women alike from popular culture is that their bodies are their most valued asset. The lesson they learn from the attention gained from their gross over-sexualization is that this is where their true value lies. Photos are posted that feature body parts that they feel are worth flaunting for the attention they will garner. The message to young boys that grow into misinformed men is that women are to be ranked by their ability to appeal to the sexual appetites of the men that use them like sex utensils. Women primarily serve as instruments to satisfy the sexual desires of men in this sexual revolving door in the dating world. That’s the message we have learned through years of images from fairy tales as children to television and film, and other forms of media from adolescence into adulthood. The messages are clear when seen for what they are. “Sex sells” has been etched into our psyche. We recite the phrase as though the mere act of stating it in the affirmative somehow sanitizes the activity.

What happens to a culture where men have lost the true value of its women? It produces men that do not know the true value of a woman outside of their ability to use women for carnal indulgences. It produces little girls that grow into women who are socialized to participate in their own exploitation to gain the interest of men who see no real value in them. It creates a vicious cycle of dysfunctional relationships between men and women.

Body types, plus, and minus sizes effectively make women prisoners in their own bodies held hostage by impossible beauty standards that they never agreed to, but are still measured by. The gym, diet pills, and impossible-to-maintain regimens are their means of possible escape from these pop culture-influenced ” life sentences.” Those who are able to escape their prison celebrate their new-found freedom by publicizing pictures of themselves in next-to-nothing wear that reveals what should only be privy to the eyes of their husbands.

For decades. popular culture, through various forms of entertainment, has extolled the beauty of women in a purely or maybe better stated, impurely sexual context. How has this affected these women? Many have been socialized to have an inordinate desire to be seen as sexy above all. With this designation comes a sense of validation although being sexy is not as much about validation as it gives entry into a ranking system that categories women based upon the order a man would place them on a sex “to-do list.” Unfortunately, many women see this as normal given that most have grown up in a culture that is saturated with images of women being presented as mere sex objects used to sell merchandise, cars, food, and any number of products that use women as live props to add sexual imagery to boost sales.

Ladies, beauty comes naturally for you, more than many of you seem to realize. We’ve only been taught to appreciate an unnatural aesthetic by the culture. As well, you were taught that ‘men are visual’ as though men are ‘only’ visual. We are not, at least not men worth your while. A man that can only see beauty with the limitations of his eyesight captures but a fraction of a woman’s beauty seeing only that which lies without not within her. Don’t limit yourself to the appeal of such shallow men who are primarily drawn to ‘pretty objects,’ objectifying and dehumanizing you in the process. There is so much more to your being that eludes such a limited paradigm. You have beautiful minds and insight that can’t be seen in the photographs that showcase your ‘ASSets’ and other body parts and often misrepresent who you truly are drawing focus to areas that will gain the attention you want but, can’t deliver the love you need. You deserve to be loved for all that you are not just what you look like.

The Lie That Every Player Keeps Hidden Within


The player persona is all a façade. Many men play this role because they are afraid they may not be accepted for who they really are. Of course, they would never tell you this. It’s easier to create a persona that exudes confidence, masculinity and all those things popular culture has taught men to fake. His experiences also reinforce the decision to play this role. After awhile, some manage to convince themselves this assumed identity is really true—or at least they do a great job at pretending they believe their own hype.

In a recent interview, I became keenly aware of something I had honestly seen before but was not sensitive enough to see beyond the surface. During the interview, I noticed the male host (there were two hosts: a male and female.) kept blatantly interjecting comments that were brutish, chauvinistic and misogynistic.

Initially, I began to challenge his insertions. As with most statements that have no foundation in truth or honor, they begin to crumble under the weight of their own foolishness and absurdity. The point here is not to disparage another brother even if I find him dishonorable but to try to understand the cause of his dishonor/disrespect for women in order to help him. Helping him will, in turn, help the women he would otherwise damage in his current state of confusion.

I began to pull back and give place to understanding. An opportunity to win a brother is more beneficial than an opportunity to win an argument. It’s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment when outlandish points are argued. I made sure to verbalize my agreement with him on the points he made which were true and honest. Ironically, those were points made where he revealed pain from his own relationship experiences. I’m sure it was those experiences, which customized the “player” mask he wears to hide behind and protect himself from further pain.

(Some) Men use their sexual conquests, exploitation, money, etc. as masks to present an image that portrays strength. These men are arguably just as vulnerable as the women who use their bodies to show their worth. They’re afraid to be themselves for fear they won’t be accepted. Popular culture has not taught these men or allowed them to try to show any sensitivity. When they try, often it feels just as awkward for them as it is for the women they attempt to share these feelings with.

Understand I am not building a case for any woman to choose to date any man in this dysfunctional mental state. This would be a huge mistake. Nor am I making excuses for this behavior from any man. I am identifying a segment of men who should be avoided. They are unfit for healthy relationships. We love our brothers, but they are not prepared for the work that love requires of men.

These men need to be held accountable by other men if they are to be saved. Men respond differently to men. They need to see examples of authentic men who honor and protect women. They need a paradigm shift in their understanding of their role as men in the lives of women.

The culture portrays men, particularly black men, as being primarily hyper-sexual and hyper-aggressive. This is indoctrinated in men via film/television, music, print, etc. The lessons begin very early in boyhood when they’re too young to even question the messages of their influencers. Some have not had fathers present in their lives to lead them into any rites of passage into manhood. For too many, sex is the corridor that led them into their (faulty) understanding of manhood. They have only been taught how to play a role that is, at best, a caricature of manhood.

There is hope. There are plenty of authentic men, men who are responsible, honorable, and are in no need of salvation from you or rehabilitation by you. They only need a chance—the same chance that is too often extended to the men who are unfit to occupy space in your life.

Have Black Men Become Obsolete?


This sounds like a silly question to ask until you consider that black men seem to be almost non-existent in the lives of black women in film, on television, and most critically, from the lives of black women in real life from what’s being represented in the media and said in many past and current discussions on relationships. But, is this true? Let’s take a deeper look.

Media “Effectations”

How does the media play into the proliferation of this narrative if at all? Rarely are we shown “black on black” images on television unless a crime is being committed or reported. Where is “black on black love” in mainstream media/entertainment? Did I just create another hashtag movement? Don’t worry, I’m not initiating a #BlackLoveMatters movement although it would be a huge marketing campaign for black Love and after all, love is still in need of love today just as it was when Stevie Wonder penned the song of the same name on his blockbuster album “Songs in The Key of Life” in 1976.

Is the absence of black men in the lives of black women on-screen art imitating life, life imitating art or the media using its power to influence our thoughts and perceptions in our daily lives? If the old adage is true, “A picture is worth 1,000 words”, how many words and impressions is motion picture worth? Unlike still images, our imagination is not needed to interpret what we’re viewing. Not only are we given moving images in the form of “motion picture”, we are given mood-altering music and other background cues that manipulate our emotions and thoughts to shape how we see the world around us and how we fit into it individually and collectively as a group. The conversation of the shrinkage of black men has been ongoing for years now and believe it or not, the media does wield great influence on its captive audience especially those who unwittingly mistake indoctrination for entertainment.

“Entertainment is the most subtle form of indoctrination.” Continued

Damaged: Beauty in the Eyes of the Near-sighted Beholder

follow at Twitter @derekqsanders
follow at Twitter @derekqsanders
“Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” This old adage is ever so true, yet somewhat oversimplified. What the eyes see as beautiful is often largely shaped by the culture in which they have been socialized. In popular culture, “beauty is skin-deep”, to cite yet another old saying, one of which I beg to differ. Beauty takes a on a much deeper existence than that which lies only on the surface, that which the culture fashions into its own “American idol”. We are led to worship the shallowest semblance of beauty and shun any deviation from the mainstream’s preordained archetype. Beauty encompasses the seen as well as the unseen, transcending the limitations of the beholder’s ‘near-sightedness’.

The depth of true beauty lies deep within a woman emanating outwardly from her very soul. Life and love temper her by the experiences and subsequent lessons she learns from them, many of which change her from within. Reflections of change manifest themselves both inwardly and even outwardly altering the perception of beauty as seen through a now damaged lens. Failed relationships, troubled parental relationships, and other traumatic experiences cause internal damage that readjusts the lens by which many women view themselves. They are labeled ‘damaged goods’ when the bruises and blemishes, dealt to them by an unkind past, leaves its marks. The experiences gained from the relationships that end unfavorably can wound deeply. The damages endured become a part of you, molding and shaping you into the person you will become in the aftermath. How you respond to those experiences matters greatly. The choice of who you become is a very difficult choice, but a choice all the same.

For the sake of illustration, please allow me the liberty to paint a mental picture on the canvas of your mind that I hope will add color to the ‘black and white’ imagery of this writing. Imagine a woman’s life is like the transformation of a beautiful piece of wood into a masterful work of art, a fine wooden sculpture if you will. Its course begins with it as simply a beautiful piece of wood in its natural state, untouched other than by the hands of nature and time. There is a process that transforms the wood from one state of beauty into another. During its transformation, the wood must endure various stages of damage (chopping, cutting, burning, staining, etc.). The damage is necessary to bring about the changes that result in the end product. At any time during this process, if it were to end, the once beautiful piece of wood would just be a damaged throw-away. It’s only after the work is completed that the process of its transformation can be fully appreciated. It is changed, but yet retains its beauty in the end. The same is true of a woman.

To be very clear, in no way am I relegating a woman’s value to a piece of wood, however stunning its appearance may be. A woman is infinitely more beautiful and valuable. Neither do I intend to suggest that that which causes damage to any woman is ever good. It is not. The unfortunate truth is that damage is inescapable in this life. Damage comes at the hands of ‘liked ones’ and loved ones alike whether by intention, neglect, accident, incident, circumstance or otherwise. The pain is the same. The good news is that this is not the end unless you choose this as your conclusion. You don’t have to and you won’t. This is only the setting of the stage for a new beginning to another chapter in your wonderful life. Live and be well.

Momma’s Boy & Daddy’s Girl: The Misappropriation of Meaningful Relationships

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follow at, or twitter @derekqsanders

There is a special bond between a parent and a child. The dynamic between a mother and her son is, in a word, “deep”, to borrow a colloquial expression from my ‘native tongue’. The same is true of the special bond between a father and his daughter. The point here is not to draw any value comparisons between the parent-child relationships of a father or mother to suggest that one has any greater impact or importance than the other. That would be a foolish and irresponsible misuse of an opportunity to encourage meaningful thoughts for consideration. The relationship between a parent and child in any pairing is of great benefit to the development of the child. Of particular interest is the dynamic between fathers and daughters and mothers and sons for the purpose of this writing.

Momma’s Boy

Let’s begin with the mother and son relationship. Momma’s boy immediately comes to mind. Unlike “Daddy’s girl”, which I will address later, Momma’s boy is never an acceptable designation for a man. It usually refers to a son that has been spoiled and otherwise ruined by a mother that hindered his ability to mature into a responsible man. As a result, the woman that he pursues, when he comes of age, will often act as a surrogate mother rather than a potential wife. In stark contrast, there is the more favorable relationship between a mother and son that garners the highest honorable mention where a son places his mother on a pedestal. This man is considered, by women, to be a great catch because of his exceptional treatment of his mother.

The prevailing belief that stems from this mother-son relationship is this advice often given to women; “If you want to know how a man will treat you, pay attention to how he treats his mother.” Though, I understand the thought process that leads to this conclusion, it is flawed. There are a few considerations that are overlooked. The parent-child relationship has a totally different dynamic than the dating relationship between a woman and man. How a man treats his mother does not determine how he will treat other women in his life or women in general for that matter. “Mother” is in a totally different category than other women. This can be good or bad depending on the individual relationship itself.

Still, there are men that treat their mothers like queens while treating other women (the daughters of other men and the mothers of other children) like whores. As well, there are men that have no respect for their own mothers, but treat other women with great respect. Many other factors must be considered to determine how a man will treat a woman in a dating relationship. A woman may gain better insight from knowing how a man has treated the women that came before her to get a true sense of how he values women as it relates to her position in his life.

Daddy’s Girl

Daddy’s girl is considered an acceptable designation for any girl that loves her father. Daddy’s girl, unlike Momma’s boy, is almost never, if ever, used as a negative connotation. It speaks of the daughter that loves her father and not the woman that has not yet reached the appropriate level of maturity like Momma’s boy. That’s an interesting point to mention, but not the area of concern. The greater issue is that many women view their fathers as the model of what a significant other should look like in matters of operation. They look for the men in their lives to mimic the role that a father serves in the life of a daughter. There are some inherent similarities. The father represents provision, protection, and leadership among other very valuable roles that he serves. Definitely, these marks of character should be modeled by a mature man. The difference is that a father-daughter relationship is one-sided in favor of the daughter. A father only wants to see his daughter happy. He has no expectations from her for his own benefit. The same is true of any parent-child relationship. This is an entirely different dynamic than that of a man and woman in a dating relationship. That relationship is intended to be mutually rewarding. Their roles have been designed to provide such for each.

When a daughter considers her relationship with her father, she should learn how a father treats his child, specifically his daughter. In this relationship, the daughter should be validated by her father. The father’s role is to secure her long before any young man is afforded an opportunity to have any real influence in her life for good or bad. The father sets the foundation by his validation of her physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This is the father-daughter relationship. When a daughter looks at her father, she should learn how a husband treats his wife by the example he sets in marriage to her mother. This is the example of how a woman should be treated by a man in pursuit of a wife and not the example of the father-daughter relationship. Daddy’s girl is a father-daughter relationship not to be modeled by any other man than a father for the daughter he loves. When a woman desires to be treated like this in a dating relationship, it represents selfishness though that may not be her intent.

The Family

The misappropriation of the necessary and meaningful relationships between parents and children, when infused into dating relationships, will cause unnecessary catastrophic results in those misguided relationships that make this fatal error. Parental relationships were purposed to develop little girls and little boys into healthy, whole men and women prepared for covenant relationships. The parental seed has then reproduced after its kind. This is the building-block of the family.

What Men Want

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follow at or twitter @derekqsanders

What is it that men want? That is a question that ladies everywhere are searching to find an answer to or at least some sort of hint that will help them figure it out. Attempts to appeal to the interests of a significant other can be quite confusing and frustrating when you are not sure what it is that they want or need.

Poor communication/miscommunication creates huge barriers that hinder the growth and healthy development of relationships. Couples must learn to communicate effectively which is extremely difficult when we consider that communication involves so much more than words. Emotions greatly influence word choices as well as inflections which add various tonal colorings to the words that are chosen. Past experiences also play a huge role in communication, affecting how we hear the words of those we love as they speak to us. Hearing certain words and phrases that brought pain in past relationships, often triggers emotions that result in negative feelings and responses, though the person speaking was never a part of the past responsible for the injuries. There are a myriad of potential roadblocks to overcome that complicate our ability to effectively communicate with one another. With patience, great effort, and prayer for direction, the desired outcome is attainable.

The question of ‘what men want’ should never be asked to men at large. There must be a targeted audience within the general populace for two very important reasons. (1) All men don’t have the same wants/needs. (2) All men are males, but all males are not men. Manhood draws an indelible line of demarcation in the sand that separates males from men. Being male is a purely biological distinction. Being a man is determined by character, responsibility, and other such foundational tenets of manhood. I will only focus on (some of) the wants/needs of men as the wants/needs of males are of no benefit to this discussion.


A man wants to feel necessary in a woman’s life. This does not mean that she must be needy or helpless. It means that he needs to feel that he can serve a purpose in her life other than replacing loneliness. A man’s presence in a woman’s life should provide her a sense of security. Sometimes, a woman, in an effort to show value, inadvertently shows a man that she has no space in her life for him to exist. Her total ‘self-service’ renders him unnecessary. Any wise man values a woman who is able to take care of herself, but he must see himself as adding something of value to her life.


A man needs the admiration of the woman he loves. Her thoughts and views of him matter more to him than she may realize. A ‘purpose-driven’ man needs the woman he loves to understand the passion that drives him. When what he does is uniquely tied to who he is, he wants to share that level of intimacy with the woman that he intends to spend the rest of his life with.


A man has a deep need to be understood. It’s a lonely feeling for him to feel misunderstood especially by a woman who loves him, but does not see his deeper need for understanding. To be understood is not about being ‘beneath’ another person. It is to embrace their point of view in order to see an object or issue through their eyes. In this case, it is to see his life through his eyes just as he sees it. This is only possible when she can hear his voice, feel his pain, and share in his joys, as he narrates the story of his life. In so doing, her loving sacrifice is like the breath of life to a dying soul.


These are some of the needs of a man. The needs of men are not more important than the needs of a woman. That is not the intent of this writing. Women and men have different needs. This writing is intended to address the needs of men in an attempt to answer an often-asked question and provide a deeper look into the souls of men.

Age Ain’t Nothing But A Number: Finding Love in the (after) Math


Is age really just a number or is age a number that corresponds to a value that the number represents? “Just a number” suggests that the amount expressed by the relative number is insignificant. In other words, “A number is a number.” No one really believes that. If anyone believed that, various salaries for a job offer by a potential employer would mean nothing. $50,000, $75,000, $100,000, and even $1,000,000 are all “just a number”, right? I think we all know better.
Still, there are even more severe ramifications that must be considered when the same notion is applied to men and women in dating relationships. The issue of broad age differences between men and women is a constant concern therefore, a necessary topic for discussion within the dating community. The statement “Age ain’t nothing but a number” oversimplifies, if not trivializes, age disparities without any thought for differences that exist in various contexts where there is relevance. Justifiably, ladies want to know what age is too old or too young for them to consider when responding to men that express an interest in them.
Some ladies set hard-and-fast rules that place limits on the age of men with whom they will consider that express interest in dating them. There are certain unfair generalizations made based solely upon age that, if adhered to, could rule out good men that are deemed too young as well as good men that are deemed too old. For those that favor older men, it’s assumed that age brings with it a greater level of maturity than that of their younger counterparts. While that should be the case, often it is not. The fact that one man has been on planet earth considerably longer than another man, means that he has had more years to experience life.
Its many ups and downs leave great lasting impressions that provide many lessons to be learned from and lived by. However, this sequence does not always follow the script that many suppose. Many times, life provides experiences that some never learn from, but instead, continue to press replay and never learning the lessons that life affords through its many life-altering experiences. There are many old fools and many young men with brilliant young minds that have gained wisdom beyond their own experiences. The reverse is also true. There are older brilliant men and many young immature, foolish men. The fact that remains is that neither of these categories of men can be known simply by the date of either man’s birth.
The underlying root of these beliefs must be carefully considered. They stem from either of two positions, fear or conceit. A woman, who has been deeply wounded in a relationship where her significant other was a younger man, may be more likely to rule out ever dating younger men again having attributed the failed relationship to the age difference. Here, fear acts as a buffer from future pain. Younger women sometimes opt to date older men as a show of their maturity compared to that of younger men within their own age range. This often sets them up as easy targets for older male predators that take advantage of their naiveté. Here, conceit works against them.
Unfortunately, there are no replacement methods for getting to know a person that guarantee against pain or loss. Dating offers no such magic pill to swallow or easy road to travel only a means to get to know a person of interest. This is why dating with purpose, with sober mindedness, and not casually or haphazardly is a necessity.
Finally, by no means must fear be allowed any place to guide any male/female interactions, where past failed relationships set the rule for future expectations. Past experiences are relative to the person with whom those experiences were gained and not by every person within the same gender class. Let each man bear the burden of his own behavior. Let them identify him alone and not just his age alone.

Finding Love’s Reflection in Broken Mirrors That Tell Lies

follow at or twitter @derekqsanders
follow at or twitter @derekqsanders

Recently, I found myself in a friendly, but serious debate on dating relationships with a very good, male friend that I greatly admire and respect.

At the center of our debate were two competing premises; (1) the limited availability of good men versus (2) poor choices in dating unfit males that women believe they can transform into good men.

The prevailing narrative is that there are not a lot of good men available. “Not a lot” is not the same as none, though I understand the sentiments that this type of frustration emanates from.

I will not waste any of our valuable time arguing numbers because that argument does not benefit anyone. A headcount of good versus bad men will provide little help here.

The number of good men available becomes less important when good men are not in high demand, based upon the more popular selections of ‘not-so-good’ men that occupy space in far too many ladies’ lives.

I don’t make any of these statements to cast aspersions on any of the ladies that are experiencing difficulty in dating, but to make sense of very sensitive subject matter.

Many choices in men may not be the best. However, it’s necessary to mention that I don’t think this issue is one that ladies are solely responsible for creating as they are not accountable for a man’s behavior, only their choice in men.

In addition, how can a woman be expected to make a good choice in a man if she has no useful model of what a good man looks like? When a woman did not see the proper example modeled at home during childhood, popular culture does little to provide an archetype conducive to the love that she rightfully deserves from a man.

Instead, the worst possible images of men are presented as desirable. These images form not only the basis of what women desire in men, but form the basis for which men aspire to become. The lack of proper representation by fathers in their absence from home or in their negligence at home is the proverbial stone that kills both birds.

To further complicate things, when a woman has been involved in relationships with unsuitable men who have left her wounded, she will often question her own worth as a result of those bad experiences. Disillusionment leads her to doubt that she will ever be found by an honorable man capable of loving her as she should be loved.
In this vulnerable state, her self-esteem is compromised. She will often consistently make poor choices in the men who follow. Those choices only reinforce her lowered self worth.

I recently heard a quote in a movie that encapsulates this idea. “We choose the relationships that we feel we deserve.” Special attention should be paid to the word “feel”. Feelings are tempered by experiences whether those feelings represent that which is true or false, good or bad.

Relationships are like mirrors that cast our reflection internally. They act as windows to the soul. The relationships we choose to be in are reflections of how we see ourselves. If the lens we view ourselves with is blurry, so will the image it reflects back to us.

A woman must know within herself that she deserves to be loved then, she will choose only a relationship with the man who pursues her with a lens that reflects this same belief that shows in his behavior toward her, exemplifying the very essence of love.

The Pursuit of Sexyness: The Subtle Empowerment of Objectification


I know I misspelled it (sexiness). Hopefully, you caught why I spelled it that way. In case you missed it, it’s a play on the title of the hit film and book of the same name, “The Pursuit of Happyness”. While most would agree that happiness is a noble pursuit, can the same be said of sexiness in popular culture? The pursuit of happiness is at the same time a choice to abandon unhappiness. Experts have confirmed that various health risks are directly related to unhappiness. Happiness is a healthy and advisable pursuit. What is the pursuit of sexiness a departure from other than the ‘dis-ease’ of being ‘unsexy’? Being unsexy is a ‘health risk’ only determined and diagnosed by an even sicker over-sexualized culture which,  if left untreated, can result in bouts of depression and insecurity. Ponder that for now. Before we dive in, let me clearly state that I am not anti-sexual. I believe sex to be the most beautiful wedding gift from the Creator. A gift from anyone is special, but it’s profoundly more special and important when that gift is received from the greatest giver of gifts. The context in which that gift is used matters just as much if not more.


The Creator’s handiwork can be seen in many great wonders all over this vast planet we call earth. None are as remarkable or beautiful as the woman. She remains forever unmatched in all creation. In a moment of divine clarity, if not inspiration, I once heard these words from a man well acquainted with the love of a woman. “If God made anything more beautiful than a woman; he must have kept it for himself.” No truer words have ever parted lips. I have seen the Grand Canyon in its grand splendor with my naked eyes. Words are scarcely found that can properly caption such an awesome sight. I have stood by the river, Niagara, watching the natural phenomenon called Niagara Falls as I felt the moisture from a cool breeze that gently sprayed its mist upon my face. I have witnessed the picturesque, unrealistically beautiful scenery of Lake Tahoe that appears like a life-sized painting deftly stroked across nature’s spacious canvass.  At his best, Claude Monet would be put to an open shame by comparison. Yet, none of these great wonders move men like the beauty of a woman. Her natural beauty commands the admiration of mature learned men while the foolish, in their ignorance led by the dictates of their base nature, only exploit her for the vanity of their own selfish pleasures.


“To be or not to be…” When Shakespeare’s Hamlet uttered the words of this famous soliloquy; he was contemplating whether to live or to die in his present state of being. Women are faced with a similar choice, to be sexy or to be free. The pursuit of sexiness is subtly imposed on women, from childhood, casting them into its never-ending pursuit. There is an implied promise of power to be gained from the achievement, but what power really lies in being viewed as an instrument to secure another’s pleasure? What power is there to be found in being the object rather than the subject? An object is powerless. “Subjects act. Objects are acted upon” – Caroline Heldman (The Sexy Lie). This socially preordained status not only normalizes the objectification of women, but socializes them into willing participants in their own degradation. Conform or suffer the impending consequences. Popular culture places a very high premium on sex appeal and charges an even higher cost for its attainment and still a worse fate awaits those who fall short of the goal. Sexy is the new currency. Popular culture floods the marketplace of social consciousness with a new inflated currency, backed by nothing of real value, buying our dignity for pennies on a morally debased dollar.


There is a proper context where sex and sexiness are fully appreciated in all their righteous glory. In a holistic space, these ‘features’ are not the totality of a woman’s value or even the most important. They are but pieces that comprise the greater whole.  It is the inordinate “pursuit of sexiness” that is the focus of my concern, where sex and its corresponding attributes become superficial then, profane, creating an atmosphere where a woman’s value is appraised solely by her ability to titillate or provide other forms of sexual stimulation and satisfaction for misogynistic men that dishonor her. Some would argue to disassociate the word sexy from the word sex as though they are not forever uniquely tied together, one giving birth to the other. “Sex” forms the very root of the word “sexy”. In English, the suffix ‘y’ added to a noun forms an adjective meaning “having the quality of.” Sexy then, means to have the quality of sex i.e., sex appeal. Sex, proper, is a private and sacred matter to be experienced between two that have become one flesh, not for general display or public consumption. The scope of this writing must be considered with a view from this lens in order to appreciate what has been offered. There is no ill-intent to demonize sex or sexiness. It is only to provide a palette that displays the beautiful colors of love in the best possible manner with respect to divine integrity and the honor of women.

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