Love is never the result of a fall as the popular phrase, “Falling in love”, suggests however romantic it may sound to your ears or mine from decades of programming and social engineering via film, television, fairytales, and other influential images that leave long-lasting imprints that shape how we view and speak about love.

Yes, I realize how bold a statement that is.
Many in successful relationships would use this same language to describe their coming together that I now, seem to be questioning. Though I don’t question the results of any lasting union, I do question the language used to describe their coming together.

Language conjures images and ideologies that gives wings to the notion that love is accidental not intentional and behavorial. Any relationship that stands the tests and trials of time does not last unintentionally. The success or failure of love is not the result of happenstance. Any couple that stayed together over the long run, did so in the face of all manner of adversity.

In short, it’s not an easy feat for any couple to withstand the tests of time. Somehow, “Falling in love” does not adequately represent what happens between two people when you consider the ‘life’ that awaits them beyond ‘the fall’. We cannot so casually overlook the language used to describe love.

Words convey meaning through ideas and images that are presented in those words. Falling in love implies that love is not a choice. ‘It’ happens to two unsuspecting people without their consent and sometimes contrary to their own desire.

While this notion works well in films that appeal heavily to the emotions and require nothing of us but the indulgence of our imaginations as we are whisked off into a world of carefree romance where our relationship issues can be solved in less than an hour. The bedroom usually acts as the “great equalizer” to right all wrongs.

Whatever is wrong is made right between us between designer layers of high thread count Egyptian cotton sheets and soft music that sets the mood and the perfect ambiance for intense ‘problem-solving’. As stated earlier, this works great for breathtaking scenes on the small and big screen.

Love, beyond the screen, requires much more than ‘sexual healing’ and other trinkets to build and to maintain. Love is never the result of a fall. Love is a choice. Love is a behavior. There has never been so great or beautiful an accident. There never will be as great a fall.

A “soulmate”, by implication, must be a “sole mate” if there is just one perfect match for us or this notion of love falls apart at the seams, but is there really one person that’s made just for you and I?

What special feature(s) separates a soulmate from any other relationship unless that relationship flows effortlessly which the name seems to suggest. Can we safely affirm that because there is an instant connection or a good feeling for someone we barely know, we have found our soulmate? Haven’t we all experienced a good feeling at the start of many relationships only to end later, sometimes in a crash and burn?

Feelings are notoriously unreliable other than to gauge how we feel at any given moment in time. They do nothing to define the person of our interest. They only reveal our immediate feelings for them. Valuable knowledge is only gained from time spent learning who they are apart from our feelings which are preconditioned by our past experiences.

The idea of soulmates fosters the belief that relationships should be easy and devoid of conflict because two people are “meant-to-be”. Television has greatly influenced our beliefs with its constant imprint of ‘retouched’ images of love that requires little more than emotions and chemistry to ignite passions that soon disperse when the realities of life happen.

I’m admittedly a “hopeless romantic”. I love a good so-called “chick flick”, but the fairytales are left on the screen where reality is frequently bent to sell the fantasy. We get lost in those moments forgetting that love requires work. There is no magic to love beyond the choices we make. We choose who we are to become. We choose who we will love. We make love over a lifetime of commitment, struggles, and sacrifice with no ‘soulmate’ required.

I had the good fortune of receiving a phone call from a female friend that I had not talked to in at least two years. Inevitably, our conversation turned into a discussion about male/female relationships “Where are all the good men” seems to be the (or a) prevailing question among many women but, after delving a bit into conversation with them, it appears that most (if not all) women have encountered a good man that somehow didn’t find a “placement”.

Let me be very transparent for a moment. Shortly after I relocated to Nashville in 2006, I met an attractive lady working at the reception desk at a local health spa. I was there getting a free workout training from my chiropractor. As soon as he finished giving me a grueling workout, I headed to the front desk to meet this lady that had caught my eye upon entering the spa. I noticed the book she was reading by a well-known Christian author and I engaged her in conversation about the book and subsequently, her church. I learned that she actually attended a church that was about 5 minutes away from my apartment. I also found out that she was a divorced single parent with a 16 yr. old daughter.

The conversation was progessing just fine until I answered a few of her questions wrong. She began with, “how old are you, I could probably get in trouble for talking to you” (assuming that I was much younger). I told her my age. I was actially 3 years or so older than her. She followed with “you probably have a woman at home”. I told her I didn’t. I had never been married, had no children, no police record, etc. I don’t even think I thought to mention that I didn’t smoke or drink, adding to what I thought was a good list that was getting even better as I revealed more of what I thought were great qualities. It was downhill after that.

Somewhere along the way, I lost whatever opportunity I may have had after I gave her my rendition of the “good man list”. Foolishly, I still proceeded to ask for her phone number. She replied, “you don’t want me.” “I don’t want to be in a relationship”. “I don’t want to go home with you”. All of that came as a result of me asking for her phone number. Huh? I think I would have stood a better chance if I had told her that I did have a woman at home, but the relationship wasn’t working out or that I had a kid or two from a past relationship.

As crazy as that may sound, I think I would have had a better chance had I lied. Let’s carefully review her words. “You probably have a woman at home”. “I don’t want to go home with you”, etc. I would have to conclude that this woman was more familiar with men approaching her that were already in relationships with other women and had interests that were primarily sexual in nature based upon the tone of her response to my phone number request.

Totally against the norm (of her experience), I approached with a different conversation; much different than what she was used to. I have learned that a woman is most comfortable with that which she is most familiar even when familiarity offers her more harm than good and no substantial benefit. It protects her from any surprises. She couldn’t figure out what my angle was. Experience taught her that all men have an angle. I provided her with no apparent frame of reference for which she was familiar.

My story was different. It was honest and true. There was no chance given for authenticity to prove itself on my behalf. The very things that should have separated me from the former men she encountered only appeared to be the things that also separated me from the opportunity to get to know this woman. Somehow, it doesn’t make sense. The next time that question “where are all the good men” rears its ugly head, think about that guy whose only flaws appeared to be that he was “too nice” or one of the many other disqualifiers that have been levied against decent men.

Now, I’m no expert on women. I can’t somehow slip into a woman’s body and know what any woman feels or relive what she has experienced in her body. I don’t discount the fact that women have had to deal with all types of men with “indecent proposals”. That’s the very reason I would expect a woman to welcome the opportunity to meet a man that appears to be a good man and gives her no reason to think otherwise .

The next time that question is raised, “where are all the good men”, check for the guy headed slowly toward the exit door with the look of defeat and bewilderment painted boldly across his face. You may have just sent him on his way as I was sent on my way that day, following in the footsteps where too many good men have gone before who were never given half the chance that lesser men are given who never deserved more than a conversation and a goodbye.

Why Can’t A Successful Black Woman Find A Man?

In recent years, there has been an onslaught of magazine & newspaper articles and television specials/segments with the above or very similar titles. Here is a link to one such discussion: (http://abcnews.go.com/nightline/faceoff). These specials (disproportionately) focused on successful black women who are unable to find black men of their educational & financial status to date/marry.

These women are reported to have trouble finding black men because the pool that they have to choose from is more like a small pond than a sea of opportunity. The reason given is that there is an insufficient supply of (suitable) good black men.

What is the cause of this shrinkage of black men?

There are a growing number of black women that are experiencing higher levels of success that, in former years, was mainly enjoyed by black men. These successful black women drive luxury cars, own homes in nicer communities, and enjoy the fruits of labor that their newfound success has afforded them all with one exception-a black man of the same ilk to be in relationship with.

Success should not create a barrier for a woman trying to find love but a bridge to cross over. Why then, hasn’t it? Could it be that the focus is all wrong? Is a successful man a good man and the man to be sought after? Is an unsuccessful man a bad one and to be avoided? The answer to either question is dependent upon how either term is defined. No concrete definition has been applied to any of these terms. They’re mainly assumptive. It’s assumed that the term successful has a universal and static understanding based upon its implication.

True indeed, a successful black man capable of conquering the business world is worthy of mention but, this feat says nothing of his ability to navigate through the maze of a successful loving intimate relationship with a woman. These are two entirely different worlds that operate very differently.

Absent from the discussions were relevant topics such as values, religious beliefs, upbringing, interests (personal/business), future goals, etc. These items give insight as to who this person really is. These are the foundations upon which a man’s worldview rests. Yet, there was little to no discussion of these at all. Compatibility shouldn’t rest solely on academic or financial achievement. Although, they have their importance; more like the proverbial ‘icing on the cake’ not the cake itself. No one buys cake for the icing. The icing is the added benefit, if you will.

To add fuel to an already wildly burning fire, the topic of black women finding black men is usually presented in forums that tend to pit black men and women against each other whether intentional or not. ABC’s Face-off,” Why can’t successful black women find a man”, was presented as a debate which by its very nature makes the two sexes opponents rather than partners. Neither side wins in this type of exchange; both lose.

Passionate, heated debate is great for network television in terms of generating buzz and ratings which, in turn, generates income for the networks which are primarily concerned with their bottom line not whether or not a successful (or unsuccessful for that matter) black woman can find a man. It’s no coincidence that they choose well-known celebrity hosts and panelists some of which have very little to offer to the discussion other than comedic banter. This too adds to the confusion.

The question arises; “does the media have a real interest in answering a question that is more profitable unanswered”? Treatment is a much more lucrative enterprise than prevention or cure. Think about that one. Could it be that black male and black female relationship issues have become the proverbial ‘fodder for the flock’ or something even more sinister? How much of what has been televised or written in mainstream media has really helped the cause?

What then is the answer to this ever-prevailing question, “why can’t a successful black woman find a man”? Maybe the question itself is misguided. Are her needs really any different than that of any ‘normal’ black woman? Does her status in life reshape what is needed inside a loving relationship? Women need (or ‘desire’ if a more suitable term) men who will love and cherish them, provide support, and protection. Success should be the goal of the union of man and woman itself not a definition of a good man.

Let’s begin there. Determine that it is a good man who you seek (to be found by). His ‘goodness’ should not be measured by your success or even worse, diminished by it. Incidentally, there are many relationships where one spouse may be more successful than the other whether it is the man or the woman. The beauty of lasting love is when that success is shared by both equally, though it may be generated primarily by one.

There must be truthful, heart-felt and yes, painful dialogue not entertainment. These issues are too vital to the welfare of the black community. It’s not an easy answer or a quick fix but, how black men and black women value one another has everything to do with the success or failure of their relationships.

Until both sides see the true value in the other and pursue that, the question of “why can’t a successful black woman find a man” will be just another pop topic that generates ratings for the networks and media while simultaneously placing black men and black women in opposing corners for the next round.

“A woman is a treasure to be found by a man who recognizes her incomparable worth. This quest belongs solely to the man to find her.” -Derek Q. Sanders

They say “numbers don’t lie”. Let’s see if we can look at numbers in comparison to human relationships and allow them to teach us some relative truths to live by. Mathematically speaking, one would never say “opposites attract”.

It’s understood almost instinctively that “opposites subtract”. Take the number 5 and it’s opposite -5. Those numbers together are reduced to zero. If you take like numbers, even if they’re negative, when added together, they will increase. Take -5 and another -5. Together, these numbers become an even greater number, -10.

However, a negative and positive will always subtract, reducing the greater number by the relative value of the lesser number. Given these examples, would any still maintain that opposites attract when the numbers show differently? Why would love and relationships be an exception to the rule?

Let’s take a step back for a second and consider what is meant when saying “opposites attract”. What information is intended to be communicated? There are a couple of different ideas at play in this enigmatic pairing of words. One is an attempt to explain the union of two people who are different when no explanation is really needed.

Relationships will always uncover and highlight areas and points where we differ. What’s sometimes missed here is that the word ‘different’ does not mean ‘opposite’. There is no inherent conflict when differences are found between people who themselves are different. In fact, many of our differences act to compliment our relationships.

Two items can exist within the same category, have differences, but not be in opposition to one another. For example: a tiger is different from a lion though they are both in the same family of animals called cats. Many confuse “differences” with “opposites”. The qualifying distinction is that being opposite means by definition, opposing. The word “oppose” is at the root of the word “opposite”.

We are not drawn together by the things that we have in opposition. We are drawn together by those things that we share in common. Not one of us has ever gone on a date got excited about all of things that we did not share in common with our dates. Opposition is what repels us not that which attracts us.

The more detrimental use for this term, “opposites attract”, is its use to legitimize relationships between two people whose lives are in diametrical opposition to one another. Where opposition should be the reason to end a dating relationship, it becomes the reason and rationale for its existence though they find no harmony within it to build a lasting foundation.

On common ground is always where we begin to build relationships. Uncommon ground is the place where struggles and wars thrive. The choice to remain there identifies a much more serious concern than just a misunderstanding of word definitions which can easily be cleared up in a simple study of words and their meanings or with a little help from mathematics. After all, “numbers don’t lie”.

Erich Fromm, in his famous treatise “The Art of Loving,” said this. “There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet, which fails so regularly, as love.” (That was in 1956.)

Is love really some random act that just happens to its unsuspecting victims? When you least expect it, there you are falling? Is it some super virile emotion that overpowers its prey at whim and casts them in its webs of passion and throes as it sees fit ultimately to their extreme delight? Can that be? A similar sentiment is shared by Gila Manolson in an exerpt from her book “Head to Heart”. “Many people believe love is a sensation that magically generates when Mr. or Ms. Right appears. No wonder so many people are single.”

What is the cause of love? Are there really any people that are ‘in it’ against their own will or desire? Many enough have no problem finding an ‘exit’ when the going gets tough, after the newness has worn off, or love ‘reassigns’ them to a new mission of interest. What are we really to make of this? Is there any sense to be made of this most pleasant madness? Some say it can happen at first sight, others say ‘you just know’ when it happens, yet, others say love takes time. Which is it?

Can all these seemingly contradictory ideas be equally valid? Still others take issue with love being defined. Is seeking a definition a bad thing though; the act of trying to understand this thing we call love. The easiest way to abuse anything is to misunderstand what that particular thing is or its use which leads to “misuse” or abuse. Think carefully about what it means to love or be in love. There’s only a short window of time before your emotions will override your ability to view things objectively.

It’s often good to have a wise older confidant that’s not emotionally involved to confer with on these issues of love. That person can tell you the truth about yourself or the person of your interest when you can no longer see the forest for the trees. Choose this person wisely as well. Remember love is most demonstrated by the behavior of those that pledge their love not by mere words that are spoken. Words are too easily acquired. They’re only a few inches below your nose and in endless supply. Again, move with caution as your two worlds blissfully, yet dangerously, collide as you explore the possibility of love with this new soul.

There is a prevailing myth that a man’s hearts is built ford-tough. It’s thought by some that men are “a-motional” (the ‘a’ prefix means without) and not emotional. Men are largely thought to be able to, in a figurative sense, leap from one woman to the next in a single bound and move effortlessly, painlessly, and with wanton abandonment totally unscathed leaving a trail of wounded women in the wreckage of their path. Is this an accurate depiction of men in general or men period for that matter?

Is this a gender issue at all really? There are surely some men that are able to move from one relationship to the next without any care for the feelings of the women they use and abuse. As well, there are women that move with the same degree of stealth. Often there’s an explanation why certain women may act in this manner. It’s usually summed up in this wise. “She was probably hurt severely by men (or a man) in her past”. For a man, it’s usually just his nature to be so. Why is there a difference in how the actions of each are perceived?

Men do, in fact, experience real loss at the ending of a relationship. In an article entitled “The Pain of Lost Love- the Science of Heartbreak” in Men’s Health Magazine, the following is stated-“The end of a long-term relationship can be extraordinarily traumatic, especially for a man whose mate cheats on him, suddenly announces she wants a divorce, or dies. Researchers have discovered that the flood of stress hormones accompanying such events can weaken the heart, one reason laymen and clinicians alike have dubbed the phenomenon Broken Heart Syndrome.” -(http://www.menshealth.com/men/sex-relationships/couples/the-pain-of-lost-love/article/727114e08fe1f110VgnVCM10000013281eac)

Consider this, when a relationship is ended by a male or a female because there is no longer any interest in that relationship, the person that ends that relationship will probably not experience any sense of loss considering that they called it ‘quits’. What of that other person that wanted to remain in the relationship? That person undoubtedly experienced loss. It’s understandable that the one experiencing loss would consider the other to move on with no remorse or emotions. This is irrespective of gender. Men feel the same way when experiencing the same loss.

Ladies, think of the man that pursued you and you entertained his interest for a bit but, ultimately there was no spark or interest so you decided to end any interaction with him. From your standpoint, you probably didn’t experience any loss whatsoever because you had no interest. From his standpoint, he may have been heartbroken, felt the sting of rejection, insecurity, self-doubt, etc. You probably didn’t even consider anything beyond the ending of your dating. When the discussion of men and how they move from one relationship to the next comes up the next time, remember this man that you sent away as well as the one you actually lost both men are equally valid. Both of their experiences are also equally valid. One felt no loss but you did. The other felt loss but you didn’t. Again, the person that ends the relationship may hold the key to determining loss in most of these instances.
The road to and from love is a two way street offering both great joy and unfortunately, great pain to both men and women alike. Neither man nor woman holds a monopoly on either.

It has been said that “women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex”. This statement may not be true across the board but, there is definitely some truth to it.

Women tend to be interested in more than just the initial act of sex itself. Men, on the other hand, usually reach their final destination at this point. Granted, some women now just settle for sex and may only be looking to satisfy that particular need when engaging in sexual activity with men. However, it is doubtful that is all they are after. Perhaps they settle for less because of what they may have unfortunately experienced in relationships with men that did not measure up. In any case, if the premise set here is true, the ladies get the short end of the deal.

When women give sex to get love, they do not get the return that they are banking on. Sex is not a ransom for love. You may experience an orgasm but, not love. As good as that may make a woman feel it is short-lived. However, a man that displays the semblance of love to get sex gets his pay off when sex is performed. He gets exactly what he is after each and every time.

That is not to suggest that every man has ill intentions when he shows love to a woman. To thicken the plot even more, love is not usually what he is giving you. It is affection with strings attached. True love has no strings attached. It is not given to get something in return especially not under false pretenses. Love is neither ransom nor reward.

It is difficult enough understanding what love is in a “me” society but, coupled with Hollywood’s influence things get even more confusing. Hollywood paints a picture of love that makes it the identical twin of sex (maybe the evil twin the way it is regularly presented).

These words have become synonymous each with the other when they can be as opposite as north and south. Love is a decision; a behavior. It is not contingent on a feeling. That is why when couples exchange nuptials they make a “promise” to love each other. Think about that. There is a promise made to “love” in the future but no promise made related to feelings at all. As for sex, if the “feeling” is right well, things can happen whether people love each other or not. In a lot of cases that is all it takes.

Many times people attempt to build a meaningful relationship where the only bond is sex and not love. This arrangement rarely lasts if ever. Sex does not help couples endure the tests and trials that will happen in every relationship. It takes something far greater than the exchange of bodily fluids to weather the storms that life will hurl your way to test the foundations of your commitment.

Don’t cheat yourself. Love cannot be bought or bartered. If it could, it would demand a much higher price than sex.

Who is “Mr. Right” and what exactly does he look like? His description will vary from one woman to the next as each woman has her own personalized list of requirements for the elusive Mr. Right.

Many women literally have a written detailed list of requirements that make up Mr. Right which is not a bad idea at all provided that list is reasonable. It might be helpful to see it in writing; sort through what is negotiable and what is non-negotiable in a mate.

However, having a mental or written list does little good if that list is not adhered to during dating which amounts to the ‘mate-selection’ process. The question is “Are women using these lists that they have drafted in their selection process”? For those in relationships, “Is Mr. Right the man that you’re in a relationship with now”?

Years ago, while engaging in a conversation about her current boyfriend, a young woman was asked if she would marry this man. Her response was along the lines of “If this was different and if he changed this and added that, etc.,.,, yes, I would marry him”.

She (verbally) refashioned him to fit her list of requirements for the man she wants. Hypothetically, any woman could select a complete stranger and make modifications to him to arrive at an image of Mr. Right.

Be honest with yourself; how does the current man in your life compare to your checklist? Based upon what is on your mental or written list, is he even a contender? If not, why are you in relationship with him?

It has been said that women are attracted to potential which is somewhat frightening. Choosing a man for his potential may be the equivalent of playing Russian roulette with the future of your relationship because potential is like an idea. It is “unrealized” until it has been developed into something tangible. There is a huge leap between what a man can be and what he is.

There is an interesting difference between men and women (this does not apply to ALL men but many). Men do not expect (or want) a woman to change from the initial state in which he first encountered her. If she was a size 8, for example, that is the size he expects her to be twenty years later. If her hair was long, same thing, he wants her never to cut it.

Many women, on the other hand, believe in ‘change’. If their guy is a cheater, it is their belief that they can change him into his destiny of being forever true to one woman and one woman only. If lying is his ‘handicap’, they believe they can somehow change him into an honest man.

The worst of it is after a woman has kissed and kissed on this proverbial frog hoping to turn him into a prince, he yet remains the frog that he always was. A prince he may never be. This obviously, is not true in every case but, most know at least a couple of ladies that could fit these shoes with no discomfort.

If a man does not resemble what you have on your list, why indulge him? You cannot do what his Mother could not. If Mother did not rear him properly, it is not your task to conquer. Do not fool yourself into thinking that you can change him. If he does change, usually it is temporary. It usually lasts only long enough for you to get comfortable with the change. Then, he will, more than likely, revert back to his former state.

When dating, look at a mate in the worse case scenario. If you can deal with that person at their worst, then there is a great chance for a lasting relationship. You are investing in who that person is; not who they can or may become. That “potential” may or may not ever be realized.

If you are considering a new man or contemplating your current one, check your list again. Be honest with yourself. Is he really what you desire “as is”? If Mr. Right is not right now, it is okay to wait until the right man comes along.

Every woman deserves a good man. It may take time but, good men still exist. Use this waiting period wisely. Make sure the person you are is suitable for the man that you desire. He may very well have a list of his own. You want to make sure you match everything on his list as well.