Recently, I found myself in a friendly, but serious debate on dating relationships with a very good, male friend that I greatly admire and respect.
At the center of our debate were two competing premises; (1) the limited availability of good men versus (2) poor choices in dating unfit males that women believe they can transform into good men.
The prevailing narrative is that there are not a lot of good men available. “Not a lot” is not the same as none, though I understand the sentiments that this type of frustration emanates from.
I will not waste any of our valuable time arguing numbers because that argument does not benefit anyone. A headcount of good versus bad men will provide little help here.
The number of good men available becomes less important when good men are not in high demand, based upon the more popular selections of ‘not-so-good’ men that occupy space in far too many ladies’ lives.
I don’t make any of these statements to cast aspersions on any of the ladies that are experiencing difficulty in dating, but to make sense of very sensitive subject matter.
Many choices in men may not be the best. However, it’s necessary to mention that I don’t think this issue is one that ladies are solely responsible for creating as they are not accountable for a man’s behavior, only their choice in men.
In addition, how can a woman be expected to make a good choice in a man if she has no useful model of what a good man looks like? When a woman did not see the proper example modeled at home during childhood, popular culture does little to provide an archetype conducive to the love that she rightfully deserves from a man.
Instead, the worst possible images of men are presented as desirable. These images form not only the basis of what women desire in men, but form the basis for which men aspire to become. The lack of proper representation by fathers in their absence from home or in their negligence at home is the proverbial stone that kills both birds.
To further complicate things, when a woman has been involved in relationships with unsuitable men who have left her wounded, she will often question her own worth as a result of those bad experiences. Disillusionment leads her to doubt that she will ever be found by an honorable man capable of loving her as she should be loved.
In this vulnerable state, her self-esteem is compromised. She will often consistently make poor choices in the men who follow. Those choices only reinforce her lowered self worth.
I recently heard a quote in a movie that encapsulates this idea. “We choose the relationships that we feel we deserve.” Special attention should be paid to the word “feel”. Feelings are tempered by experiences whether those feelings represent that which is true or false, good or bad.
Relationships are like mirrors that cast our reflection internally. They act as windows to the soul. The relationships we choose to be in are reflections of how we see ourselves. If the lens we view ourselves with is blurry, so will the image it reflects back to us.
A woman must know within herself that she deserves to be loved then, she will choose only a relationship with the man who pursues her with a lens that reflects this same belief that shows in his behavior toward her, exemplifying the very essence of love.